Why can't i just be honest?!?

So, I recently graduated from college and am looking for my first real job (which is really awesome timing...Thanks economy!). But as I go on numerous interviews and talk to professionals about who I am and what I am interested in doing I find myself just continually lying and becoming someone who is not myself at all.

First, lets talk about who I really am. I went to the University of WI and double majored in Communications and Psychology. It sounds like a was a hard worker because I finished 2 majors in 4 years, but let me be honest, I was in no way a hard worker. Having 2 majors was actually easier because so many classes cross over and so you already know have of the info you are learning in classes. Also, I was a comarts major. Seriously, probably the easiest major in college, and it helped that 4 of my good friends were also comarts majors, meaning I never went to class and would just borrow notes from my friends who already took the classes. So, this helped me to have a very fun social life throughout college. A lot of people say that at Madison you work hard and party harder, but I would say that I just partied hard. I blacked out on a pretty regular occasion, and I'm not gonna lie, I mastered the art of blacking out. I have even been described by my friend Joel as a "seamless blackout" because I am a very functioning blackout and you will never know that I am blackout until the next day when I remember nothing about what happened. Also, another part of who I am is an avid non-reader. I hate reading! Seriously, really dislike it! I tried to explain this to my friends and they just didnt get it, but I have ONLY read 2 whole books my entire life and i swear that is not a lie. I am not sure how I got through high school or college without reading books, but I some how did. You would be amazed at the info you can find if you search long enough online. Even obscure books have stuff written about them, it may take awhile of googling, but trust me you can find enough info about most books. So yeah, I have never read The Giver or To Kill a Mockingbird, or many of those other classic books I was suppossed to read. I actually have NO IDEA what either of them are about. My friends recently explained what The Giver was about, which is definiitely not what I thought. In my mind it was about a man who was very generous and helped a lot of people in need out, which apparently it is not, so Im not really sure how I made it through English classes with good grades.

So, lets see so far I am a college graduate who did not attend class, did not read, did only what was needed to get by, and partied a lot. Just in case many of you don't know about good things to say in interviews, that is not a good thing to tell people. So basically, I have been forced into complete lies. I tell people that I worked hard to graduate in 4 years with a double major and that my self motivation made me strive to turn in work that was to the best of my ability. I say that I am a strong writer and that I do not procrastinate and am always organized and get my work done before it is due. This is all complete BS and having to say this over and over is making me really annoyed.

This is what I wish I could say.
I know how to write really well in a short period of time. I wrote ALL of my papers for college the night or morning before they were due and they were good. I am also not organized at all and don't have much motivation, but I can produce great work despite both of those things. I am very good at finding info about anything online, and I know how to get things done with little amount of thought or work. Also, I am really good at telling people what they want to hear, regardless of whether or not it is the truth.

In fact, I have had a lot of practice with telling people what they want to hear lately as I have been trying to get a waitressing job. I recently went to a open casting call for Applebee's where about 50 people showed up for a few positions so I knew I had to turn up the BS and tell them what they wanted to hear. They asked me what makes me a good server and my answer went something like this....I think anyone can be a good server, but what makes me a great server is that I always go above and beyond to make people's experiences better (LIE). For example, at my previous job at an Asian restaurant if I saw that there were children at the table who didnt know how to use chopsticks, I would create chopsticks that they could use u putting paper in between the sticks and wrapping a rubber band around it (LIE: I NEVER once did this. A lot of other employees did, but I don't even know how to do it). I also said that I always have a positive attitude no matter what is going on and that I like to stay busy so I am always cleaning and making sure that my section is perfect (DOUBLE LIE: At my previous jobs I was probably one of the most bitter employees. I always came into work pissed off and I bitched about everyone the whole time I was there. I also never cleaned if I didnt have too. I was asked to clean by my manager PR many times, which my response was ussually walking away and pretending I didn't hear him, telling him I had too much other work to do, or flicking him off behind his back and cleaning for about a second before I went to the back to talk to Gina or Sara). However, even though Applebees will soon discover that I am a complete fake because they actually hired me, I think it is a skill that I lied to them so well and they thought I was the type of person they wanted working for them.

I am just getting really sick of all of this constant lying. PR is all about keeping up a good image and lying if you need to. I am great at this. I wish I could let this people know how good I am at lying and putting on a polite professional demeanor because that is what they need. However, I don't think if I let companies know this real me I would get hired, so I guess I have to go back to my life of lies...o well.